Before and What's After
Ack, cockiness feels mighty humbling when you receive your test scores. Again, I mimiced my 1st quarter with a B+ on my 1st chem midterm. I was expecting better than that. Now I have to work hard again to get an A. That sucks. My Physics midterm fared a little better I think. I didn't get the results back yet but he had the key up right after the test. I think I will make better than the class average this time. Next week is Calculus midterm. You know, I've had it pretty good this quarter. No school on Thursday. All three midterms on different weeks. Well, lab reports are a lot tougher but all in all, I should be doing better with the extra time. But I'm only doing just as well. Does that mean I've flattened out on excellence? We'll just have to wait and see.
The few droplets of rain and cooler weather brought down my internet connection again. I've been without for a week and so new episodes of stuff to watch is few and far between. This forced me to actually watch the Korean dramas my landlady gave me that is dubbed in Mandarin. You know what's interesting? After a few episodes, I realized I was really into the story and want to know what would happen next. The story is about two sisters who got separated when they were young when their father died. 15 years later they meet the same people and run into each other a lot. It's like a long version of Snatch. Little separate stories that will come together in the end. But what interested me more after being so enraged from episode 9 how the foster dad rape one of the girls, is that I knew what was going on. I didn't even notice that I was watching something in a language I didn't know well. I was enjoying myself so much. Is this comprehension? Have I reached somewhat fluency in the most spoken language in the world? Maybe I'm, understanding through the action only. I don't know but I'm pretty darn excited. We'll just have to wait and see.
Got a break on the two week long lab for Physics today. The computer program is missing a few files and we're missing some weights for the pulley system to carry out the experiment. So this extremely long learning curve of a lab is now just based on what we did in the 1st week. Supposably anyway. No one actually finished the 1st part in the 1st week. So this two parter is now just a one parter so it should be a relatively easy writeup. I don't need to stay at school all night to finish. I could go home and turn it in on Thursday. But I don't have class on Thursdays. Should I just do it now or later? I'm choosing later because there is a study session for Chemlab tomorrow. I don't really want to go seeing as I have to bike to school for something I don't really need help on. But getting out of the house and meeting people is always positive right? I hope so. And then the guilty pleasure person inside of me says I could stay in tomorrow and see if the two sisters get a job at the same company they are applying for. What is a person to do? I feel so comfortable now there are people to talk to in class. Taking the next step is obviously a good thing. Will I make some out of class friends in the process? We'll just have to wait and see.
Luke, I'm your father.
I've become my worst nightmare. I've become someone I really despise. Hate even. A downer. I want to say it's not my fault, but there was no trap. There was no unforeseen trap or hidden agenda. It happened right in front of me and I decided not to avoid it.
One (major?) or minor aspect of getting out of depression is to like yourself. Self-loathing is such an awful awful feeling. And the way I got out of it is to not only compare yourself with lesser people, but more importantly stop comparing yourself to people better than you. Why keep looking in the mirror and say you're ugly while spending all that money on beauty magazines? Or saying that guy who was in your class is making 90k now and you have nothing. Why torture yourself like that? I've never really come to grips with liking myself. But I sure as hell got away from hating myself. I knew that was the biggest thing. Now all I need to do is find something about myself that is laudable.
Maybe, I've been hanging out with a lot of confident successful beautiful people. Or maybe, I've just been so entangled in my shortcomings that I don't notice their pain. But more and more people around me are expressing low self-esteem. That used to be my playground. And shyness is beginning to creep up into people. What is going on here? I only wish I could say, it's because I've overcome those two boundaries and even surpassed a few people.
And now I think I am all high and mighty. I think I have all the answers when I don't. It's just tough for me to understand why people beat themselves up mentally like that when reality is right in front of them. Contradiction even in their own thinking is blantant. Case in point, I've now reached the the number 3 of girls who see themselves ugly. All three spend too much time either trying to lose weight, exercise, buy pretty clothes or lament on the goddesses in entertainment. Yet, all 3 have boyfriends. And all 3 believe their boyfriends are lucky to have such a pretty girl for a girlfriend. So you think you're pretty and ugly at the same time. Low self esteem because you think you're fat huh?
Ok, so now the point of this blog is apparent. I'm running into a few girls who have think very low of themselves. I don't really feel helpless really because I try to point out their good qualities and show them the inconsistencies in their thinking. But it isn't enough. I know the way I think doesn't make sense sometimes and I am always illogical or contradictory. But there is a difference here. I know my thinking is flawed or doesn't make sense. I relih in my contradictions. I enjoy the challenge of trying to be positive and negative at the same time.
Anyway, I've just had a close encounter that I feel miserable about and am ashamed about. All I can say is, I'm gonna be more aware of the situation next time. But it looks like there won't be a next time. Want to hear another one of my stupid theories?
As people get to know me more(specifically me, but could be universal to people), they begin to find things about me they don't like. This little theory connects to who will remain my friends in the far off future. Which is why the list contains only one name right now. He's the guy who can get crazy mad at you but then forget the whole thing the next day. It's just one of the qualities a person needs for them to like me, supposably anyway. I can make a long list of people who have been closest to me at the time that I don't even say a word to anymore. But the periferal (another tough word) friends of that time still remain. Now comes my crazy reasoning: in order to keep a friend a long time, don't get close to them. Unfortunately, I may have stepped the boundary on this one. We'll see if she is the type that forgets.
Words overheard:
"Why not after training is over?"
More local observations
I used to put my wallet in my back pocket. I stopped doing that because it hurt my butt. And I was just wondering about my wandering eyes at those sweat pants girls wear where there are letters sewn into the butt area. I wonder if it is uneven when they sit down. Because they look cool when they have a nice logo or phrase, but I wouldn't wear it if it made sitting down uncomfortable.
I came home the other day unexhausted. That's a measurable improvement.
I found a buffalo wing hot sauce at the market. I am gonna start blanketing all chicken in this sauce. Mmmmm.... Oh did I tell you I eat chicken just about everyday? Well, it's just that beef costs more and I like chicken more anyway, so I thought, what the hell. I just drop by Shunfat which is next door (like Ranch 99) buy a whole soy sauce chicken or poached chicken and eat it for 2 days. Add some salad and thats my diet. Its getting a little boring to my pallet but this buffalo wing sauce should spice things up a bit.
Finally getting to know some Asian people. Got a couple of Asian girls at my table in chemlab. They're Vietnamese but they're whitewash like me, no accents at all, so I like them. They make for good conversation. Oh, there is an Asian guy too but he hides under a hat and likes to laugh at every little thing to hide his bashfulness. So it gets a little annoying talking to him. The next step is to find some Chinese people because I am super racist like that. I like you if you are Asian. I like you more if you are Chinese. And I like you most if you are fluent in Cantonese.
It's 11 AM now and the Physics club meeting is at 1 PM. What am I gonna do for two hours? I don't actually feel like going because last week was not interesting at all. It seemed there was no real leadership in the group. No one made final decisions so it was just very blah. I guess I could surf or type here for an hour or so. Who knows.
No movies being filmed here but Vanessa Williams is going to make her directorial debut of a short film here soon.
Some crazy people who get a kick out of starving mice has found that fasting and binging has positive effects against cancer. If it should translate to human beings, I have a cancer free future ahead. I love these kind of research results because it contributes to my laissez-faire kind of living. Eating past 10 PM doesn't make you fat. Sleeping after eating doesn't make you fat. Eating more than your daily allowance makes you fat. The old food pyramid (I know, I know everyone's forgotten about it) agrees with my eating habits. Lots of grain (rice) and vegetables and small portions of meat (I don't usually eat meat). Eating 3 meals a day is not necessary. Just eat when you're hungry. A little bit of exercise 30 minutes walking a day is all you need. I do just that even with the car. I didn't take the elevator unless I had to climb more than 4 flights. Sleep 8 hours a day and you will have less stress and be less tired. Slightly different for the individual but too little obviously makes you tired but too much can also have the same effect. Snacking between meals is bad unless you eat healthy stuff or fruits. I can't hide a fresh apple or banana in my backpack without it going soft on me. And I definitely will not snack on rice cakes. So it fits me since I refuse to take my aligners out for a simple snack. Let's see I should put in some negatives for good measure. The most healthy snack on earth, brocolli is my mortal enemy. I wish I could make weather device like Stewie and kill all brocolli. That's all I can think of right now
Messiness: My room has gotten a little messier than when I first moved which is granted since I have more stuff now. The states of messiness has gotten bad at times but on average it's remained pretty clean. Even when it was messy, it never reached the state it used to be when I was at home. So Kim's heeding words from Oprah still lives on in me. And I feel good. It's always been one of my goals to be that guy who folds his clothes into a drawer and hangs up his pants. Or his desk is free of everything but a keyboard. All pencils and pens in a cup. You know, that anal guy who knows when someone has been in his room because his monitor is tilted 2 degrees too far back. Yeah, I want to be him and results have been positive. I still remember my lab partner telling me how organized I am with my notebook. I can't tell you how good that feels. Organization is an amazing feeling.
On studies, I seemed to have done the impossible. I had an easy A in math and chem and struggled in physics. Well, I have managed to transfer some of my extra talent in chem and math to physics because I am doing phenomenally in physics. I now have an easy A in physics. Chem is suffering a bit but still at the A level I believe. Midterm is next week. Math has fallen considerably, but still hanging in there. I'll try to catch up this weekend.
Looks like I will be able to take part 3 of my all my classes this summer so I will be sweating to LA smog this summer. Uncle is going on vacation in September so I have 3 weeks of extra pay to log before Fall quarter starts. That leaves me with just under two weeks vacation time in June to look forward to until Thanksgiving. It's quite a long stretch of time.
I guess, I'll stay for the physics meeting. I really have nowhere else to go anyway except sit at home wait for episode 5 to finish downloading. And it is no fun watching the % complete go from 91.2% to 91.3%. I'll reward myself with flan from El Pollo Loco. Did I mention the flan there is very good? Well it is.
Words overheard:
"I just want to get a better grade than you."
Said by my current chemlab partner about our 1st lab report grade. She seems to have the insane idea that I am smart and if she bests me, it makes her smart too. But my modest attitude isn't helping any. I layered it on thick today by asking her for help on question 5. Yeah, that's right, try to make yourself feel smarter by comparison but you're comparing yourself to me. Someone who needs your help. Heheh... And because I am even more evil, deep down inside, I want to smother her with my A midterm when we get it back in 2 weeks. That's right, you think you have what it takes to go against me?
I need to get some more sleep. I'm going to type about nothing in particular in the hopes that I induce some insomnia out of my system. I watched 3 variations of CSI last week. It was odd how I randomly flipped channels just as it came on and it happened to be CSI. First there was the image of a poor woman who was a man who wanted an operation. Mighty interesting topic. So this is what CSI is, I thought. Then there was the jail bait who started doing pornos and got killed. What? This is also CSI? And finally there was David Caruso in all his glory. He doesn't look as good as he did in NYPD Blue. His demeanor didn't seem to fit. Too many gorgeous brunettes with wildly perfect hairdos danced around the crime scene was a bit unbelievable to me. And one of them is interested in Caruso's character, yet he acts so nonchalant. This Miami version seems to want to introduce some character development, unlike the other two. Still this CSI thing is not my cup of tea. Too much gore. Heh, doesn't really make sense since I like gory stuff from Sin City.
I got a 10 back on my quiz in Physics today. It's the second time I got any positive news in the class. Apparently only 5-6 people got the perfect grade and I am one of them? Unbelievable, I know. But I must not get ahead of myself, the quarter has only started and there is a long way to go.
Alright, I think I've met the requisite number of eye blinks to go meet Mr. Sandman. I'll see you in a few days.
Words overheard:
"What do you want?"
"I want to get the hell out of here!" says the man-in-white.
I'm sorry, we're fresh out of that. All we have left is untimely death!"
Hollywood Style
Can I be any more sick of VH-1? No, it isn't possible. I don't understand the obsession with "I love the whatever decades." It's just a rehash of a bygone era that is over with already. I have a couple of friends who seems to find it extremely enjoyable. They keep mentioning Tiffany to me, someone I do not know. I've been finding myself at the cafeteria at a pretty regular time lately and of the 5 TV's VH-1 is closest to me. There's no point in moving closer to the Telemundo tv or the two soaps, or the local baseball channel. So I sit in front of the VH-1 tv which of course is where the cool people supposably (heheh) sit. I watched an old Prince movie once there. But it's been nonstop I love the olden days. Yesterday's I love 1994 drove me up the wall. It was the part deux edition which I guess means leftovers that didn't make it into part one because this shit is boring but we know you will lap it up because you are brainless idiots who can't live in the now. And yeah, they were talking about BJ's which is somewhere's version of our Costco appearing. And then there was Natural Born Killers, interesting movie, but was it really ppopular? I mean come on viewing public, don't you want to watch anything new? They're scraping the bottom of the barrel for this crap now. I wish I could just go up and change the channel to MTV which doesn't show music videos anymore but I am not going to get started on that now. But the channels are petitioned that way so someone got enough John Hancocks to have it stay on VH-1.
Another bike update: the second week of biking has not produced positive results. It seems my quick gains have leveled out and I am huffing and heaving today the same as on Monday.
Went to the little Physics/Astronomy Pizza party yesterday. My advisor recommended I go to get to know the few Physics majors and instructors there. One of the Professors there acknowledged the lack of good Physics teachers down at the lower division classes. I was asked to go to the Physics club on Friday at 1 PM. Which explains why I am still here 4 hours after Chem lecture. Admittedly showing up in a room where a bunch of nerds talk about boring technically stuff is rather tepid. Also the male to female ratio at infinity to less than or equal to 1 is quite disappointing. A picture of the Twister movie comes to mind. Helen Hunt among men of science. She of course chooses the smartest and most beautiful to be her consort. Reality rarely shows up in that combination. Nonetheless, I am a nerd and I love talking about boring technical stuff. So this should be fun. I just hope everything doesn't go over my head. I was a bit overwhelmed already at the Pizza Party.
The gym they used in "Bring it on" was filmed at the CalstateLA gym, I was told. As I walked around the library this morning, I see a film crew set up around a woman who bears a striking resemblance to Joan Cusack. It can't be her right? She's doing her new series in Chicago. Signs were posted saying that if you walk through this area, you agree to have your picture taken. So heh, I might show up in a new movie tentatively titled "Sidewalk" or "Seems to be." Those were the two names posted on the signs. Judging from the crowd, no one seemed to care for what was happening. So I guess this is common occurence on campus. People usually don't have classes Friday and this is the first time I stayed here after class. Hmmm... Wonder who else I might run into on subsequent Fridays? I believe I could use a little walking exercise. 15 minutes around the campus once a week. Perhaps, I'll do that on Friday.
When the shyest guy in class, usually me, has to speak up and answer questions in class, there is something wrong. I usually never say anything, instead letting others do the voice for class. I get nervous and then I hate myself afterwards for making such a fool of myself. Then I beat myself inside for it. Pretty extreme, but I am psycho like that. But this quarter has been me after me answering questions because the professor asks and no one answers. And then the silence ensues and I see my expensive college education ticking away. So I react. Perhaps, I am not so shy anymore. I guess I've changed. More than I thought too. I remember when I was younger being the smartest was my sharpest weapon. My physical talents were only good enough to impress people smaller than me. So I relied on my brains and I relished in letting everyone know about it. I loved how people come up to me asking for questions. I loved how they wished they could get out doing extra work because he finished with an A. I loved how they wished recess were longer then they could show off more than me. But now it's different. I'm not sure why. I've made a pretty strong statement as to my status in class. People have begun to notice. It's not like I planned or wanted it. Like I said, I don't want to waste my education in silence. Why do I want to remain so anonymous now? One answer that just came to me. COnfidence. I had it when I was little, but it's been on vacation since. When I was little, I knew exactly what I wanted and I knew that I would get it. Now at age 25, I'm just trying to not end up a loser. It's the same path, going to school. But before it was I'll make it big. Now, it's I hope I don't fall on my ass. How pathetic is that kind of thinking? I need to be more cocky. The best way is always direct comparison. Need to find some dumb friends. Ahhhh.... it's good to be evil. We'll start with this, I got a 133 IQ in the
Classic IQ test and 120-150 is above average. 150 and up is genius level. I'm pretty close to it. I've got more stories to tell, Psycho LandLady stories but that'll have to wait, I have to go join the think tank now.
Testimony of today and yesterday
Maybe it's the extra bicycling I've been doing. Maybe it's the renewed sustanance (oh wow, hard to spell) in my rice cooker. Or perhaps, I'm just excited. Most likely it's seat-of-the-pants adrenaline that all comes down to nothing. But I went hiking the other day and never felt better. Oh yeah, Mandy might be slow. But I doubt it. This girl has energy up the wazoo. So how do you explain little ol' me who trails everyone in hiking uphill, little girls from Nga to Kim leave me in the dust. Skinny guys like So and Nam sprinkle perspiration in their wake down on me. But yesterday, I rocked. I climbed that hill like it ain't no thang. And it was a thing. Bright and early in the morning we trumped that mountain that carves it's own little niche out of the Angeles National Forest. Well we didn't triumph over Mt. Wilson exactly. It's girth outstripped our available supply of chrono, so we had to head back. But had the hour not been ripped from Easter, I think we just might have made it. All in all, fantastic.
Nam is right. Prerequisites? "Don't worry about it." That's what my academic advisor said. June 07 degree, you're that much closer.
Oh yeah, mountain bikes have trickled down to half a bill. I could fix the flat tire on the ancient bike costing me 25 bones or I could just saunter over to Toys R Us and bag me a new one. That's what I did. A bright red one too. ETA to school is still hovering above 20 minutes. I was a little saddened by heavy breathing this morning, you know, after the grand display yesterday. But hope is still in the box. I'm wrestling with getting a helmet now. Sure it isn't requred by law, but dude, that's your head. It's only 15 bucks. But then my hair retorted with "You can't just shut me up." Oh well, let's hope the pavement and I never become friends.
Just read some reviews and Sin City seems to be an all out hit unless you're a girl afraid of violence. I enjoy a good dismember coupled with generous amounts of red red blood as long as it adds to the artistic value of the film. Now if only John would move his car so I can get some more internet.
