In search of life
It's been formulating in the back of my mind for years. A two week trip across America. From the Grand Canyon to Mt Rushmore all the way to Lady Liberty. From the Keys to Niagara Falls all the way into Toronto. It's a strenuous trip full of driving and not knowing where you are sometimes. It's the adventure and joy of pure freedom. Freedom from responsibilities and freedom from anyone or any place. It's the ultimate vacation. But it is not for those looking to be pampered or to relax. Indeed you might need a few days to recover after all the lack of sleep and walking. Always walking. No multiple course dinners just twinkies and doughnuts. There's something to be said about roughing it. Very few people will ever understand or care. And to the next extreme. Backpack across the wilds of Asia. Spontaneous and without much pillows.
Skipped sensitivity
Did I ever mention what a terrible person I am? I am. I know it. I have just come across a few events in my life where sensitivity was lacking. It just made me think.
When I was in Europe Nga started making fun of me a lot. She doesn't normally do this but I think it's because Pak, So and I were the only ones around so she treated all of us equally. So it's a good thing I guess. Thing is. I don't like it. I'm very sensitive that way. Some people know that aspect about me. I'm usually not included in their games of yellow crooked teeth, short big head, balding, fat, short, et al. I don't like it. I have this gap between my teeth that I am particular ashamed of. Yes, ashamed. So I told Nga, please don't do it. You never did before. She continued of course because she was carefree and having fun and she had to test the limits of how much I can take. The words that hurt the most were. "You're not that sensitive are you?" Yikes, I'm turning into a bitch.
I just had a conversation with my sister through email and I am stunned at her lack of insight on her personality. And when I point it out to her, she takes it as a personal attack on her. I am just so frustrated with sensitive people! Arghhhh, just stand up for yourself and accept critical opinions! It's better to know who you are among people. How can you possibly delude yourself by saying you're an easy person to live with when just about everyone who's lived with you say you are hard to live with. OH THE HYPOCRISY!
Kim, Jack, Nam and I once had a heart to heart talk at Jack's house over a puzzle and a cranium game. It led to describing each other and telling it as it is. Say what you think about the other person truthfully. I'll never know what they thought about me because when it got to my turn my self-esteem could not take negative comments. I was so impressed how everyone could just listen when we talked about them both good and bad. I wish I could be like that.
There was a further sensitivity event that occurred recently that I cannot disclose since the situation is not completely resolved. To sum it up, I was a jerk and the other party was misreading my actions. This led to confusion and little bit of sadness. And I thought to myself. OH MY GOSH. Stand tall and proud and yell already. Where is your dress?
Just what happened to me the past year? What happened to that sensitive geek who gets butt hurt when people don't invite him places? Well, Kim cured that one. She made me realize that there is no reason to make it a big event. That and I realized I'd rather sit at home doing nothing than out there trying to be impressive. I don't believe much has happened the past year. Big changes, certainly but onto myself? And I become more and more a hypocrite. Someone I really don't like. All I know is sensitive people piss me off. Now I know how Nga feels.
Kim and David.
I met Kim, her husband David over the weekend. We had a little get together at their house and it was an extremely interesting day. The first thing I noticed about Kim and David was that they were very young. They have two children, the oldest is Madeline is 3. Kim look liked she was maybe 25, I would find out later that she is actually 31. They lived in a gigantic two story house with high ceilings. He works and she's a housewife and from the looks of the little ones, she has quite a handful to take care of. What I thought was really cool was that in this day and age with high house prices there are still couples that do not require dual incomes to survive. And they are really cool parents. The way they treat they're children is how I would treat mine. They let the kids do whatever they like unless it's harmful. So the kids are allowed to crawl all over the ground even if it is dirty somewhere. The kids don't have to dress up in cute clothes to impress everyone. I really like that. When I was a kid, my parents always told me, I can't do this or I can't touch that. It could be the reason I keep touching all over people's cars when I sit down. I'm always restless because I didn't get it out of my system when I was small. Anyway, Andrew has had more clothes and toys in his first year of life than I ever had in my entire childhood. Spoiled doesn't begin to say the things he always gets. My sister is always telling me about this disease or that thing that will make him sick and such. I think a kid has to get down and dirty, break some bones. If it doesn't kill him, it'll only make him stronger. So when I see Charlie crawl around in the backyard, I just think Kim is going to have a strong kid when he grows up. And Kim is so sensible too. She was telling me about how they don't have a diaper genie. They could use one but don't see the added expense. She lives in an $850,000 house. No giant flat screen tv here, just a regular boobtube. What's in the garage? A Mini and an Odyssey. Look at the cars in front of the other houses in the neighborhood and you see BMW's and Benzes galore. Even my sister has one of those diaper things. Sensible.
The truly extraordinary thing is Kim actually knows how lucky she is. She's knows how great a life she has and how stable a family she has. So many people I know complain about this and that even though their life is already so great. Kim knows she has it good and to one up that, she wants to adopt an orphan so that she could share the love. I hope i can one day make enough money like David so that I can have comfort in knowing my wife is taking care of our children. And before you call me chauvinistic, I prefer the opposite too. That my wife makes enough money and I can stay at home and watch the children.
I really like those two, they even gave me a baby crib bed set. I hope Andrew likes it.
Of breaths and legs
You know, one of many reasons I don't like going to movie theatres is that I inevitably get a little kid sitting in back of me that gets over excited every time something happens on screen. Couple that with the fat guy over there who's sweating years of mayonaise and lard and you've got a very unhappy movie-goer. So I've long since waived goodbye to that guy on the cellphone in front of me and embraced the pause button on my DVD player. On the rare occasion you find me squirming in the dark wondering which cheek to lift in order to silently relieve myself is because I really want to see this movie.
I think it's just Asian guys that bother me. I just don't understand their long legs and why they must prop it up against things when they sit. So again, this tall Asian boy with spidery legs lays his dangling feet on the back of my desk. I do the usual, "Please don't" And he continues to kick my chair all night because he can't get comfortable. I don't really blame him for it, he's used to it and now doesn't know where to put his feet. BUT GOSH, it's freakin annoying!!!! And it is the second time this week. Stop sitting behind me! And oh, who forgot to brush their teeth? My gosh, your breath stank up the whole room. ARgghhhhh... rumbling behind my seat and I have to breathe through my mouth the whole time. How am I supposed to do Lorentz transformations on relavistic time when I have to endure such torture? It's like the movies all over again. If only I can learn at home.
Melting days of 26
I miss Ying-Ying. It's been awhile since I've talked to her. She went to Hong Kong hmmm... not even a month ago. But it seems like a much longer time because I lingered at home during the holidays. We hung out a lot together because she's one of the rare people I know that I would rather be with than do nothing. And we all know one of my favorite things to do is absolutely nothing. She won't be back until the 27th, I think. Just in time for my birthday, but then I won't be in San Jose anyway. I'll be busy with a take home exam.
Changement de Saisons avec Citron
I called Kim the other day to tell her that I would probably not come back for Chinese New Years. You know, I still don't know how Kim does it. It's amazing how she is able to conjure up a little conversation with me out of nowhere. Anyway she told me she still has plans to move away from San Jose. Everything still seems up in the air but she mentions that City of Angels could be a possible destination. The only thing that went through my head was, "Oh gosh, how great would it be to come home to someone who has a lot to say to me." Instead of now, coming home to big empty apartment.
I'm feeling very defensive lately. I probably mentioned it before but events in my life are slowly falling into place. It's a perfect puzzle piece fit. And it's just odd. I think I am supposed to feel pain. I think my body is made to suffer. It was born to see just how much lemon a person can take. And the odd thing is, I'm used to it that way. I feel more comfortable knowing that something I won't like is about to happen. It's disconcerting to get paid for doing science that I enjoy. It's wrong to have my parents pay for my car. It's just weird to have Nam call a week later to see if I arrived in LA safely. I'm just making so much lemonade.
The thing I am trying to say is, finally in 10 years, I've tipped over to the positive side. I'm no longer just content in the void between depression and joy. I'm happy? Truly, Hell hath frozenth over. But of course, now I am paranoid like Jack.
"I'll always regard you as people I've met"
It's my return to the big time that is Los Angeles. the Trojans just suffered a late TD defeat courtesy of Vince Young. Weather is windy and sprinkling mildly. It was a 7 and a half hour drive for me to get down here thanks to numorous accidents and the closure of Hwy 5 at the Lost Hills exit.
The title was a line spoken by Rimmer to the Red Dwarf crew when his transfer was accepted. Here is a list of notable people I've met since I've been down here.
Lan - He's the guy who I thought was really smart because he is a math major and had already finished all 4 Calculus classes. I was still working on Calculus 1. We had Physics 201 together and he ended up dropping the class. Last quarter he called me to ask for my old lab book and tests because he was going to take 201 again. I told him to call me around noon the next day because I had lunch around then. He never called. A few weeks later he calls me again and I repeat myself. He doesn't call the next day either. On the day before finals he calls and I again say the same thing. He says, don't forget. Remember to bring it. Don't forget. I am a little bothered by his insistance that I would forget. In the end, he doesn't call me. I ran into him today and he said I never picked up my phone. Could be true but then I would habe a missed call wouldn't I? And wouldn't a voice mail yelling at me for not picking up be appropriate? Whatever, Lan. I'll leave your stuff in my Physics mailbox, you can pick it up whenever you like.
Kevin - We were supposed to workout on a regular basis. He even bought the prepaid 3 year membership. I told him not to. I told him we should see if our schedules match and he should use the free trial membership first. He never returns my calls.
Miss Vo - We had a study session. She copied off my work and went home. She calls sometimes to ask me questions. She uses me like I am science reference book.
Thanh - He's a cool guy but extremely introverted. He rarely goes out and rarely wants to see people. He claims he wears his baseball cap everyday to hide himself better when he puts his head down to study. I say he's hiding his dead twin brother under there. Extremely smart guy but he transferred to UCI this year.
Thuy - She calls me to ask about Thanh. We talked on the phone for hours on end very often. She claims she is one of my friends. I didn't think we were friends. We were lab partners and after chemistry we'll never see each other again. I almost believed she could be a friend until I asked her if she could go to one of my professors and tell him I'll be late to class. She flatly refused even though she had a 4 hour break. I wouldn't have asked at all but she was mentioning how she had all this time but had nothing to do and that's why she was calling me. Last quarter I ran into her at the food court. I asked her if she would like to join me for lunch. She said she was waiting for some friends. After I got my food and sat down, I saw her sitting down with 2 guys and 2 girls at the table next to mine.
Christine - I think that's her name. Even if I get it wrong, it doesn't matter. She's the housemate who also said she was my friend. But I knew our encounters would end when she moves. I hate how I am always right.
Mandy went home.
I'm batting a .000 with friends at the moment.
I haven't made any predictions about Marie yet.
