Life Group
I have been searching for a church fellowship group ever since I came down to LA. I wanted it to be like how it was in San Jose. Yeah, I'm picky. I wanted a group of Asians near my age talking in an initimate circle about God. I think I may have found a group. One of my lab partners, Mike turned out to be a religious guy. Chris and I emptied out Mike's backpack one day to turn it inside out. Chris turned yellow when he saw the Bible. So I just started asking Mike about what he does at church and he tells me about this Life Group he goes to every Friday. I don't know if I can go to it every Friday but I'll try to get involved. It would be nice to get more in touch with my spirituality. The group was full of 20 something professional Asians. All speak perfect english and were extremely friendly. They weren't over religous zealots or anything, just nice people. It's a bunch of people I could really identify with. Hopefully, I can assimilate. But as always, I don't want to bring my hopes up too high. I try to be optimisitic.
"I don't care about looks." and "eww"
There's an episode of Seinfeld where George asks Elaine to find out if her friend likes him. He really likes her and wants to continue dating her. Elaine comes back the next day and excitedly pronounces that her friend likes George and doesn't care about looks. George didn't take kindly to the news. Sure she likes him but what does the second comment mean? Does it mean he's ugly?
There's an episode of Becker where he suspects that Jake's girlfriend might like him and he doesn't want to be the reason they break up. Jake thinks he's crazy but asks just in case. When asked Jake's girlfriend said, "Eww." So the next day Jake comes back happy to report to Becker that he doesn't have to worry. There is nothing up. But Becker doesn't like the answer. What does "eww" mean? Is there something wrong with him?
Crap, I forgot what Y-Y said. Oh well, that defeats the purpose of this post if I can't remember. I'm just gonna have to make it up. It was something like "Pung likes you. Doesn't that gross you out?" Those are not the exact words but that's how I interpret what was said anyway. So now I feel like George and Becker. Luckily, I got some Dentyne Ice gum.
Tomodachi
I love to drive.
I like it when I don't have to care about anything. Just keep on driving never looking behind. It's my favorite option when confronted with potential difficulties. Like the ostrich, I'd like to stick my head in the ground until the problem blows over. And this laisez-faire attitude has treated me well enough the past few years. I hate being blamed for problems. I don't want to take responsibility for anything so just leave me alone. But as the wise Nam keeps reminding me, my attitude is flawed and I must change. I still don't think I should. If people want to screw themselves over, what's it to me? But when Nam told me about buying a car, I did give him my opinion. So what makes me so hesitant when it comes to relationships and feelings? People don't tend to respond well when you tell them what you think. They follow their heart. They tell you only because they want your support. If you can't give them that then you'll just be hated. That's how I always saw it. Why not just tell the truth? I feel like I am the parent giving their blessing to the kids. I really have no option but to do it because I can either be part of their lives or not. So an ostrich like me would rather just not say anything at all. Because if you're gonna like me or hate me based on that, then it's not worth it. I've gotten a lot of flak from people for being like this. And probably will continue to do so. I have decided that some people are capable of the truth and some people are not regardless of whether they tell you they want to know or not.
So the only question I can think of is, what kind of friend would leave you for telling the truth? They're probably not a good friend if you can't be open to them. And to that I say. I don't care. I don't care if they are a good friend or not. I don't want to be involved at all. If that makes me a terrible friend then so be it. I don't think I am a good friend anyway. I am an ostrich.
Buying stuff
Interesting chats abound as I make my comeback to AIM. But even so, those annoyances that caused me to stop logging in remain. I haven't gotten the chance to talk to my motive yet but I think my patience is almost gone. Right now what has captured my attention is the new Dell laptop I ordered. I know I shouldn't have but it was difficult when a price this good shows up. It was over $200 off regular price. But I did have to go through the employee purchase program. Don't think I actually qualify but they don't seem to check. So here goes nothing. On buying tech stuff, Nam introduced me to this site called woot.com. At first, I thought what great prices on stuff. I started to go through the forums one day when the item of the day was sold out. It was such a great deal that I wanted to see if someone had a follow-up deal. No one did but I did start reading some of the posts people left behind. Yikes, buying woot.com stuff gives you bragging rights. There are sites that are devoted to statistics on woot items. How many were sold, time sold, what type of person bought it, etc. People would proudly add in their signature the number of items they bought and what a great deal it was. Woot.com has become the geek Rodeo Drive. Instead of rich wives showing off their new Prada purse, it's grown men showing off their new memory modules with flashing lights. Sadly I want one of those RAM sticks too.
Astronomy Research Presentations
I finally gave my first research presentation today to some East LA community college students. I feel good right now, not that I did well. It's just that it's finally over. All the fear and nervousness is done with. I don't think I did very well. I don't think I did very badly either. I did ok, I guess. It was the questions that got me. I knew it would. I just didn't know how to effectively answer the questions. When you do that, you make yourself sound really stupid. Still, I guess it's a learning experience and I do consider myself lucky to have gone through it. I mean, other research students' first experience with presentations would be done in front of their peers. At least I know these students probably know next to nothing of what I am talking about. So if I eject jargon, they wouldn't realize my BS.
Wanted to go see Silent Hill but got turned down. Terrible.
Tiptoeing Cloud Nine
Cloud nine has been fluttering beneath my feet lately. Just what has changed in the past few days that made me feel this way? Last week, I was near the lower bound limit of misery slumbering away the time and wondering just how long I will have to suffer. And then she came by to visit at the exact moment I needed someone most. It wasn't so much that I had a good time with her. It's that I believe I've found someone I can depend upon. Someone I can trust. I haven't been able to do that since... since my last best friend. Inevitably, tied down emotions set free stirred wild hormones of lunacy and discomfomfort. Feelings tend to have no regard for rules or lines. They freely cross them with impunity carefree and relentless in making you go... hmmmmm.... why? But I held them in check because I still have to have a clear perspective on life. I'm not gonna let a temporary hormonal imbalance screw me over. Translation: I am horny as hell but you probably didn't need to know that. So now personal relations are taken care of.
Next at school, I am continually praised by classmates. Perhaps I doubt myself so much that my friends? feel a need to comfort me. Be it truth or not, it feels good that I again, have someone to rely upon. The NASA internship is a shoe-in. My grades have held up well. Assignments have been done on time without too many all nighters. Classes haven't been the mountain of impossible equations they were last quarter. I actually know what I am doing now. So academically, I am taken care of.
Lastly, my future seems to have a more secure footing. While things are not set in stone, I do have a general purpose and direction. My plans have always been a little vague or lofty due to... I have no idea why. Maybe because I am so laidback and I adjust my whims easily to accomodate other people's conveniences. You know, like the boarding house I currently own a part of that was supposed to be a young sibling sanctuary. This decision, however, seems more solid because more than anything I wouldn't want to let Jack down. It's like going to the gym. You want to do it. You say you're going to do it but in the end, if someone doesn't push you or at least go along with you. You're gonna stay at home. So now my future plans are laid out.
Finally, if only I can find someone to bring me food once in awhile, I'd be in heaven.
Dozing Platonic Love
The three people I've ever been intimate with suddenly makes a detour into my quiet existence. It started off with a cute 5-year-old girl standing on my porch step wondering where her mommy went. "Are you my daddy?" she asked handing me a note that said, "Take care of your daughter, John." There was also a picture of me about 5-6 years ago. What is this? A kungfu movie? You do it once and you are pregnant? I quietly hushed my daughter (?) into the living room. I calmed her down and said I was going to go look for her mother. Luckily, I had a large family at home who could help me take care of her. But how am I supposed to find someone I haven't seen in over 5 years?
I searched for days to no avail when Lisa called me. She told me that she could no longer take care of our 8-year-old daughter. No way. This is a joke, right? This is too much of a coincidence. We only did it once! Why are you girls so fertile? I went over to see Lisa anyway since it seemed like I was going nowhere with my search. The scene at Lisa's house was not pretty. Her house was trashed. Broken windows and debris littered the area. Lisa was found in a corner of the living room in the fetal position. Her exposed arms and legs bore the tell-tale signs of a battered wife. She wouldn't look at me. She told me our daughter was in one of the bedrooms and I should take her before he returns. She could no longer protect her from him. I wanted to take a closer look at Lisa but when I approached her, she screamed out, "Don't TOUCH ME!... Please don't touch me..." And began to erupt into tears. There was nothing I could do.
At first, what ran through my mind was that Lisa just wanted me to take care of her daughter. The girl wasn't mine but she wanted me to take care of her because she trusted me. She knew her husband is going to hurt her if she isn't taken away soon. We didn't break up with the best of circumstances. I gave her the world but it wasn't enough, she still broke my heart and left with another man. The same man who gave her those scars. So while I wanted to help her, I still felt some resentment towards her. When I went into the room and saw my supposed second daughter, a sudden rush of understanding came through me. She was an older version of the 5-year-old girl that showed up at my home not one week ago. This girl is my daughter. But why? Why did Lisa leave me? If she was pregnant, why? Back then, all I could think about was high school graduation how happy I was to finally finish and go to UCI. That's all I talked to Lisa about UCI this and UCI that. I talked about how I was going to be a computer engineer and make lots and lots of money. I said don't worry, our love will last. I will make this work. We will make this long distance relationship work and she told me she believed me.
But shortly after our first time she became distant. I saw her less and less and then out of the blue she said she no longer loved me. She had found someone else. I was crushed. The whole world had ended as far as I was concerned.
Nine years later I finally understand why she did what she did. She knew I would do the responsible thing and marry her. But that means I wouldn't go off to college and earn that degree. I would be the responsible man and stay with her. She didn't want to ruin my future and thus held the truth from me. She found another man she thought could love her. Little did she know the impact of her leaving me made me lose all sense of direction. I no longer wanted to live. You all know I didn't go to UCI. I did nothing but waver for 8 years.
I pleaded with Lisa to come with us. I would protect her. But she wouldn't listen. She would not leave her husband. I wanted to stay and I kept trying to get Lisa to talk to me. Just then I received a phone call. A friend told me he saw her working as a waitress at a restaurant. I vowed to Lisa that I'd come back after I had taken care of this. I hastily brought my second daughter home much to the chagrin of my parents. I told them I would explain everything when I came back.
I went to the restaurant and I saw her. She seemed so happy to see me. We embraced and she smiled warmly towards me. I just gave her the sarcastic wide-mouthed "and?" look. She looked at me and giggled. "Why are you looking at me like this?" She seemed completely oblivious to the reason why I am here to see her. "Look John, I'm off work in a about an hour, you wanna drive me home? We can talk more, then." I was in total disbelief at this woman. She was so nonchalant.
I didn't say anything to her on the drive home. I had this whole speech planned out so that I would know what say to her when I saw her. But now that she sat next to me, I couldn't make out the words. She lived in a quaint little 2 bedroom apartment not far from the restaurant. I guess she normally walks home at night. She told me to be quiet because she didn't want to wake her roommate. I sat down in the living room while she went to get me a drink. Suddenly, I hear a loud crash and ran into the kitchen to find her sprawled on the floor clutching her heart, her arms shaking violently. I quickly came to her and held up her head with my right arm. I tried to wipe away some of the blood that was coming out of her nose. I instinctively reached for my cell phone to dial 911. She suddenly grabbed my wrist knocking out my phone and held on tightly.
"Promise me!" she said. I was trying to reach for the phone so I ignored her. She suddenly shook my arm with so much strength that it surprised me someone in her condition could still manage it. "PROMISE ME!" she screamed.
"Yes, I promise!"
"Promise me you'll take care of her...your daughter..." And with that her grip around my wrist loosened and her head fell limp into my arms. I laid her head down on the floor and reached over for the phone and dialed 911. Out of the corner of my eye a little girl in a blue nightgown appeared.
While rubbing her eyes she asked, "Mommy?" I stared at her in awe. She looked exactly like the girl I found on my porch step. What is going on?
She suddenly screamed and ran to her mom shaking her to wake up. She cried for a few minutes before looking up to analyze her surroundings. She saw me on the floor and saw the blood on my hands. I looked closely at her and I realized this wasn't the same person at my house. She was about the same age but her skin was darker and her facial features were sharper, more detailed. "You!" she screamed and lashed out at me. Her fingernails drew blood as they came into contact with my face. I managed to pull her off of me just as the paramedics arrived.
I kept telling her, "I'm your father." But she just wouldn't believe me. She stood there mute that night when the doctor came telling us that her mom didn't make it. Her tears had long since dried and it seemed no new ones came. Her mom had been sick a long time. I guess she didn't tell anyone. I wanted to take the girl home but she wouldn't let me. She didn't trust me. She wanted to stay there. So I left her alone figuring I'd pick her up when she fell asleep. I brought her home at the crack of dawn. She woke up as I pulled into the driveway. I felt the familiar pain as her fingernails delved deep into my skin. I managed to get her into my house kicking and screaming. With all the commotion my 5-year-old daughter came out and saw her. She looked at her. It was like looking into a mirror. Then she looked at me. For a moment I saw understanding in her eyes and then she fainted in my arms.
Later I sat outside my porch watching the sun come up. My dad came out and put his hand on my shoulder. I told him I'm sorry. I haven't found her yet.
Misery Loves Company
Don't drink and drive. Not even soybean drink.
This school pisses me off to no end. I spoke with my research professor about the parking ticket just to see if she could give me some advice. Turns out she is as animated about the subject as I am. She also has received some unfair tickets. She's an active full-time tenured professor. As far as I can tell she tries to get involved in school activities to make school more ... what's the word... enjoyable? So anyway, if a member of the faculty can't get much headway into the matter, what are my chances? I'm just gonna try to write some letters. But knowing me, $25 won't give me much incentive. So my parking costs this quarter almost doubled to $100. hmmm... that's 10 days of starving to make up $40.
ETA: One Year
It started with my hesitant visit to Vinh's place. He was so determined that we go that I could hardly refuse without sounding mean. It was spring break after all. I had the time. It turned out he found a nice 3 bed in Milpitas to rent for $1600 a month. How cool is that? He got 3 buddies in with him and he's going to build a room in the garage for himself. So he's got a nice little bachelor's pad right there. I always saw myself doing that. But where am I supposed to find 3 friends?
Fast forward a few days and a Mountain View pizza place sees Jack tell me he might be moving out with Nam sometime next year. Hey, hey, hey, you guys need a renter? Deepak is supposedly in too . Alright we have the 4 I envisioned. I know and trust everyone too. Although, where I will end up in a year is still dependent on my finding a job. I think it's pretty safe to say I will be in the Bay Area. I'll only stay in LA if JPL hires me and the chances of that are a million to one. That means I will find a job that pays me the most and salaries are higher up there than in LA.
Ying-Ying brushes by me to walk into the restaurant. She seemed blind that day because she walked right past Jack and me twice going in and out. Telling her our plan, she immediately coos. Alright, now we have 5. Someone will have to build a room in the garage. Probably me.
Kim, Pak, Nam drop by a few minutes afterwards and the 6 of us, 20-something young adults enjoy a quiet afternoon in the city-like atmosphere of Castro Street. We talk of politics and world hunger peppered with pop entertainment. Is this what it feels like to be alive? An hour later I stare droolingly into Kim's sundae at a nearby ice cream shop. In order to not drip onto the table I start using my mouth to tell her our grand plan. Her eyes light up and as Emeril says BAM! We have 6. Now we can buy a mansion.
What a nice dream. We have a little surreal house where clashing personalities erupt into drama and we all live out a real life soap opera. And to show you how messed up I am. All I can think about is 6 people sharing internet. It will be so CHEAP! That's right, that is the most important thing that comes to mind when I live with people.
The dream has changed dramatically over the past month since we had pizza. And will continue to do so over the course of the year. There won't be 6 of us going into it but the ball continues to roll. My next step is to find an afforable place to rent with Eric et al for the next year. But with any luck I will be yelling "April Fools!" in Jack's face as I play the most well thought out meanest joke ever inside our new house.
A happy ending
This week ended as crappy as it could get. But she actually came over. Surprise was incapable of describing the feelings I had inside when I saw her on top of the stairs. I had so much I wanted to say to her when she came over. I had frustrations and joy to release. I had happiness and tales of horror bursting at the seams. But one look in her eyes and she seemed to understand everything. I didn't have to say anything. It seemed like she understood me. A part of me. I felt calm and at ease. A bottle of coke. How do you best that for a second coming? A 12 pack! Simple yet effective. Her yearning for Cue melted my stone cold heart. So I obliged her with a visit Diamond Plaza. There's so much more we could have done. As she leaves, it takes everything I have not to follow her. I wanted to say more but didn't know what. Luckily, a number 2 beckoned something fierce so time was of the essence. It was a simple goodbye. Two fingers, index and middle, from my eyes to hers. We're like that. What a good way to start a new week.
Up the Butt
As the Ladies Man would say.
I never received a return letter on my appeal to that parking ticket. So I went over to the parking office and the lady gave me my appeal back with a small little check mark on the valid line and nothing else. Wow, got it right up the butt. I just don't get it. How in the world can it still be valid if I show a paid receipt for the parking permit two days prior coupled with the fact that I live on on campus? So for $25 now I have to go to a hearing. Normally, I'd pay it, it's a relatively small sum. But it's the damm principle. I paid for the permit and it was visible.
Finally bit the bullet and ordered myself a laptop. I was waiting for the iBook like I said but then I thought. If windows could run on a mac. Then someone might be able to hack MacOS to run on PC's. Either way I have the fever to buy a computer so I couldn't help myself. This morning I get an email from Amazon that my card was denied. Lo and behold fraud on my card. Great. I signed up to play Second Life. It was a big company and they claimed free play if you have a basic account. They charged me a buck, I did not authorize that. Now I have to wait 3 days to get a new card. Which I won't get because I am down here. No lappy for me.
3 in a row. Thanks God, you've been oh so helpful. The rain was cool though. It was one of those Asian monsoons. Instantly wet.
Physics Majors Can't Jump
My chem writing class professor is currently teaching us how to write the methods section of a research paper. He tells us we should be brief so we don't have to list reactions or techniques that is common to chemistry. Like when we boil liquid there is no need to say we should put boiling chips in it. Or heating a crucible to make sure you get a dry weight when you measure the mass of something. But what about 1H NMR or TLC? Which I have come to learn is not Never Mind Retard or Tender Loving Care. It's Hydrogen one Nuclear Magnetic Resonance and Thin Layer Chromatography. Clearly, we Physics majors are clueless to these techniques. Although if you ask us to work on a Vandegraf generator, we don't need to be told that you shouldn't touch the globe on top. One of the 5 Physics majors in the class of 50 inquired about our obvious handicap, if we could get some leway on this particular point? Like if we listed precedures that any Chem major would know. Because all the papers we are reading are chemistry papers and even our final paper is gonna be based on chemistry. "Well, that's why you have group work," the professor said.
"But what if it was on individual work? There's no way we'd know."
"If you are unsure you should always ask your group members or you can ask me in my office hours."
Translation: You're screwed.
This reminds me of that feminism class on racial prejudice. The professor puts your grade through an affirmative action scale. So, basically, if you are an affluent caucasian male, don't take the class. You're automatically docked a few points. Ridiculous.
Resume: You are what you put on paper
This is why asking people what they make is a faux pas. We're all talking about our advanced physics lab class how the professor couldn't have possibly read all our lab reports. He must have just given all of us A's and to heck with it. That's why he still hasn't given our lab reports back. He doesn't want to grade them, the quarter is already over so why bother? Wha wha what? "I got a B! YOU ALL GOT AN A?! Oh now I am mad. So while in astrophysics I sit there steamed because I will have to have a good talk with that guy. Sure I was happy with my B because I don't think my work warranted an A. But I certainly did more work than some of the people who did get an A, what gives? Upon further discussion with my peers after class I found out that they all wrote their report in the official research mode. Crap, I didn't do that. I didn't know you had to do that. He said formal report. So I just wrote it the way I wrote my formal reports for Chemistry. Problem is that a 100 level class style report is far from the proper formal research paper that a 400 level class expects. Everyone else knew this because they've had the advantage of a writing class and more experience. I haven't really seen a real research paper until my Chemistry writing class. So now, it's my fault for not understanding what the professor wanted. And I could have gotten an A so easily if I had just structured my report in the research format. Ohhhh, now the self loathing comes in. Can't blame anyone but myself. Only thing I can say is that if I had been taking classes in the correct order, this class would have been taken in my final year. Meaning I would have known how to write a research paper. Sucks you go to every class on time and do all the work but you get bested by someone who skips out of class 7 times and zones out while in class but puts his report in the correct format. That's life for me. It goes to show me how competitive I am.
Random things
My recent eBay offerings have netted me a gross of $431. Quite impressive and certainly brings me within spitting distance of justifying a new laptop. Speaking of which, I was eyeing a small 12 inch Averatec. My laptop was again graciously donated to me brother in Japan. Y-Y has lent me her monster 3.4 ghz Pentium for the meantime. I love its awesome speed but it's so big and loud. Anyway Nam informed me of Apple's new ability to run Windows XP. So now I am thinking of an iBook. Problem is that the Intel version doesn't come out until this June. I got slightly wider tires for the old 98 Corolla last time I changed them.
The other day when I drove my Quantum Cryptography group to Caltech, the car scraped like crazy in the back. It's always sagged a lot before but it was just awful this time. Quite embarassing when your teacher is in the car. It gave me memories of senior year when I was voted Hooptie of the Year. What's interesting was that these supposed Physics "nerds" were able to diagnose my problem. They heard the sound and knew what it was and proposed solutions I hadn't thought of. This was in contrast to the basketball jock who refused to change his tire and called AAA instead because he didn't want to get dirty. There was also the other guy who drove his car with the temperature in the red and wondered why his new hoses were leaking. And then there is me who is not anywhere close to a mechanic but I know the general way around an engine. Those two Physics guys don't even own cars. What am I saying? Reality is very different from the movies.
Another trio of strangers have been saved today and I've lost count how many total. Thats why no individual post for this feat. I do know my name is entered twice in the iPod shuffle raffle at the end of the year. I can add my name in 2 more times. I also don't have anymore to talk about the subject except save a life. Donate.
Hello?
The last bastion of friendship has been breached. It's been breached many times before so it isn't all that alarming. What is it I am talking about? No one's listening to me anymore. Perhaps my words have dulled. I thought thank goodness I can still express myself here. But then again, maybe the fact that I have been shedding here, people have less reason to hear the actual words? I find myself often starting my stories and never getting a chance to finish them. I've actually partitioned myself pretty well. The juicy stuff belong in the audible domain. And the teasers go here. Funny how I approach this subject with such methodical care. Still, I think it may be the people I have been conversing with. Only two people recently. I've found the interchange less than satisfactory. I have become a receptacle for their unhappiness. I don't mind all that much. I just wish they could reciprocate. It's my fault maybe. I just haven't made a conscious effort. How important is it for me to release? I didn't think much of it. But 18 months of seclusion has produced a profound effect on me. I used to be able to put in words all my anger and frustration, all my tears and joy. Now it seems like I am stuffing everything into an empty jar forever sealing it into a cupboard of things that don't matter. What happened to the "awwwsss" and "poor Pung?" Pity used to feel good. And what happened to the "see I told you so," and "thats so messed up?" Words of encouragement and agreement also lifted me up. Now all I get is "I see" and 真的嗎? No one's listening anymore.
In the word's of SNL:
"And I am ok with that, because I am good enough. I am smart enough and dog gone it people like me."
Through the looking glass
The past few weeks have been eye-opener after eye-opener. My Physic 420 professor was an oddity back in Fall quarter. He taught a computer class but yet all his handouts and tests were handwritten; badly. He didn't respond quickly to emails either. It was all kind of strange. I didn't think he could teach because I was completely lost in both of the classes I had with him. Not saying I tried very hard but eh, I should understand something. Last quarter's E/M final was a shambles. His upper and lower bound limits did not make sense and when inquired turned out to be something else entirely. I was quite fed up with him.
This quarter, I had him for another pair of classes. I was not too happy with that. But something happened. In my Physics 306 class which is finally a class I meet the prerequisites for I understand everything he says. In fact, he teaches it extremely well. I get extra stuff from what he says that I wouldn't if I was reading the text. A real teacher!
Last week he interrupted me while I was googling in my research lab. :) He needed some stuff printed out. I thought it strange he doesn't print it out in his own office. So I asked and got the full story. He doesn't have a working PC. He's been trying to requisition one for months, ditto for a printer. He's been using an SGI machine all this time. He's a full-time professor for goodness sakes, why can't the department get him a computer? He has to teach a computer class. So now I know why he keeps writing his handouts.
This quarter I also joined his informal quantum cryptography sessions on a whim. I know little of either topic. Stick them together and you got me confused. My research professor told me once that when she started going to seminars and speeches, she couldn't understand a single thing. It took time to get into the right mindset. This was a very smart woman. That's why I decided to go to these quantum sessions. I wanted to get started on my future. 2 weeks later and I have soaked up just about nothing. I'm glad I followed her advice because today finally things are starting to sink in. We went to a seminar over at Caltech so I had a good conversation with him in the car. Turns out, he doesn't drive. He walks his kids to school every morning and then walks to school. and back. His wife has a car but this man doesn't. He walks over an hour a day! And here I am complaining about walking 15 minutes to class every morning. He's such a simple man with logical reasons for the things he does. It just makes so much sense how he operates and I wonder why I must choose the most awful reasons for why he does things? I came up with: he's too lazy to type up something or he doesn't know how to use windows. Now I admire the man. As far as I can tell great father. Good teacher. And likes to walk. Helping save the environment, a little bit at a time.
Cheap is as cheap does
Revelation from Nam the other day.
Excerpt from im:
"you make it sound like a negative thing
and no one wants to be called something negative
i am a snob
but i own it
i don't dillude the fact i am one
the same with your cheapness
every negative flaw within ourselves is fine as long as your own it
except for being a killer
well any negative flaw that doesn't effect others"
My reply was: "I never thought about that. I just thought why does it have to be so negative, it's ok. But I own it, so it doesn't affect me."
Basically, I find it absurd how people get offended by some labels. Sure they come with negative connotations but the act itself is not something horrid or disgusting. Like being a snob. The word sounds bad but what's wrong with liking expensive stuff and flashing it? The looking down on poor people is not good though but eh no one is gonna die by it. Or being a scifi geek. Sure they're probaby homely boys who can't get girls. But I find no problem with people knowing I am a trekkie.
I just think you should be proud of what you are. Unless you are a pedophile, then you should just die. If you're fat! Own it and lose some weight! If you're ugly, there's little you can do. People like money sp you try that. Small schlong? Nothing wrong with an E-type.
In conclusion, I have become humbled by Nam's wisdom. I will try to be more sensitive to other people's feelings.
Cue Purikura
My manhood has just been tempered by teenage japanese girl culture. Well I could be wrong about the description. But you know how in high school, girls used to cover up the tachometer in their car with silly tiny microsopic pictures of them with their friends. They probably do that to their cell phones now but I am an old fogie and we didn't have cell phones when I was a teenager.
Anyway they get these stupid pricy little pics from those booths you find at amusement parks or arcades. They seem pretty neat. Have some fun at the place and then take a picture momento of the day. But I just found out that there is a place called Cue here that has only those booths. There were like 20 of them. People just come in and take pictures like they were glamour shots! There are two locations down here too. What the heck? All the booths are written in Japanese with english translations taped on the side. I got disgusted by the hariu poteru booth. No, not my beloved Harry Potter! Nancy dragged me in there. Luckily, she had no plans to take pictures with me because I would flat out refuse to. I couldn't even stand in that cutsy store for more than 5 minutes. But my masculinity has been tested. I'm glad I made it through the gauntlet. But I could only last 5 minutes. Any longer and I turn into a jittery little teenage girl wondering which picture makes me look cuter.
It was Friday night when I encountered Cue at Diamond Plaza. And as it so often happens in my life, things repeat themselves. The next day I find myself gawking at the new macs in the apple store at The Grove. It was with a bit a trepidation that I walked in front of the new iMac monitors with built-in video cameras. They even have a program called Photobooth loaded. It mimiced those purikuras with aplomb. No doubt as the trend towards built-in cameras continue across the pc expanse, purikura software will abound. Despite the pleading that I take a picture with her, I think I managed a respectable yet speedy retreat from the mac. Get me away from that thing.
Of automobiles and my thumb
-2006 Toyota Corolla-
I've lusted after this car since it first came out. More power, more room, and more mpg? Butt kicking. Car is as boring to drive as my 98 which is a plus in case you don't know how boring I am. Engine is loud and coarse, bad Toyota bad! But at cruising speeds it becomes Lexus quiet. Gas pedal is hyped up on acid. Any let up on the gas and you lurch. Step on it too hard and you fall into you seats. Meaning car is hard to drive smoothly. Thumbs down.
-2006 Honda Civic-
Car is an utter blast to drive. Smooth and quiet like the Corolla. But louder at highway speeds. Suspension is tuned more to the sporty end so it handles like a pro. Feels like I am driving a luxury car with no power. Seat side bolsters hold onto you very well. We need to have more options in seating. I hate the universal size made for fat Americans. I want seats that hug you when you make 40 mph turns. CD MP3 player and auto down windows standard are a big plus. HATE the digital speedo. You can't tell how hard to step on the gas to maintain a given speed because you are missing the needle. So car is hard to maintain a constant speed. If roads were all flat it wouldn't matter, foot pressure is the same. But roads have ups and downs. Thumbs down for digital speedo.
-2002 Lexus IS300-
Only got a brief go at it. Quick responsive and smooth to boot. I don't know how Lexus does it. Handles like it's on rails. Chronograph style gauges need to go. And luckily the new 2007 eschews them for more traditional analog gauges. Leather blows. Stereo system blows. Thumbs up. I want this car.
-2005 Lexus ES330-
This is nice. So luxurious. Ample power on the go. Don't know why Toyota thinks it's ok to have mismatching interior lights. I means it's hardly ok to have white console lights and green stereo/HVAC lights on a $15000 Corolla. But it's unacceptable in a $35000 luxury vehicle. Make them all white please! Leather seats are buttery soft and heated too. Transmission shifts smoothly. Wood on steering wheel is tacky to me. It's a boring car to drive which like I said is a plus. My mom could drive this. Thumbs up.
-2007 Toyota Yaris-
Didn't get to testdrive it but sat inside it at the dealership. Interior materials are high quality. Standard AC means I can get a barebones without options and be ok. It's a cute little car. I want the hatchback.
Chemistry
There are 26 or so reasons why I should have chosen Chemistry as my major instead of Physics. They were all revealed to me in Chem360: Writing for Chemists this quarter. See. The school wants scientists to know how to write research papers. Makes sense. Problem is that Physics is too small to have a writing class. So why not lump them together with Chemistry? And oh those 26 reasons... wow, They range from the uber cute to the super sexy and every grade in between. I just can't stop staring. There's like 1 girl in the Physics department. There are more girls in my chem group than in he whole Physics department. JPL this summer better be a the dream I envisioned because right now my hormones are very disappointed.
Simplify
A snowy winter day in New York Jan 2004
Got into a sweet conversation with Ying-Ying the other night. She was mentioning to me about her outlook on life. And I was wondering if I could ever understand the things she says. Suddenly we get wrapped up in defining sanity. She played the usual psychologist role where they go over and over the same question to get you to realize that there is no line between crazy and normal. Knowing this, I played along. I mean there really is no way to win this discussion. But I enjoy seeing so much energy in her words. But when we got near the end right before she would make the final kill, she stopped. Why? I think I have to finally admit that I am just a poseur. I am not some depressed guy with critical insights. I want to say I am unique and weird to cover up lapses in judgement or my flaws in understanding. I mean what better way to admit your faults than to side step the issue without admitting you're wrong. I'm crazy therefore I am.
So what am I trying to say here? I'm trying to say that I try to be different to hide my insecurities. But inside, I am the same as anyone else. I worry if my hips are too wide. I use big words to make myself sound smart. So what of Ying-Ying? She traveled to a place past me, beyond my comprehension. I never thought that place existed. I thought I was the extreme, well extreme to where you are still sane anyway. Then is she crazy? But there is no line between sanity and normality is there? So now what am I trying to say?
Over-analyzation. Keep it simple. You think too far in and you get caught. Today I realized how lucky I am.
