Keeping Busy
I am turning out to be a different person than I always envisioned myself to be. Whatever happened to that ambitious young man with money on his mind? Whatever happened to lying on my back and watching TV? Whatever happened to being lazy and
nothing being my lifelong dream? It's changed into those people I used to look at with curiosity. It's as if they were animals behind a cage at the zoo. Look at them and their strange ways. They want to work. They can't sit still at home doing nothing. They need the company of others. They don't care about money. They just want to help out whenever they can. They are so humble and noble. They care about others. Ewww... I'm gonna trample all over them as I rise to the top of the food chain.
The past month has shown me that restlessness is seeping in. But not only that, I think that I have
that sickness; a progressive sickness. I want to do something. I want to be productive. Can you believe that? Me, that selfish little brat that doesn't share when he eats is now offering the largest piece of his pie. It's unsettling to say to the least. To quote Spock, "It's the undiscovered country." I will be very sad when the day comes and I would say... "Nothing? So boring!" Oh gosh, please no. Let me enjoy my lazy bum longer.
Lacking Expression
I often describe myself as being emotionless. I know I am not. I do have emotions. Lots in fact. I just don't express them very often on the surface. It's not like I am shy or anything, I just don't feel the need for it. Anyway, my sister just told me she cried all day when she heard that our youngest brother is being called to Iraq. Hello? Where have you been the last three years? Did you just realize he's in the Navy? He didn't join the Boys Scout. Americans don't pay billions of dollars a year to
train people to go to war. They have the army to
go to war. So partly, I wonder why she didn't go through these emotions years ago. Why now? Because right now he is going to Iraq
I think she's just been influenced by the media to think that Iraq is the most deadliest place in the world. Like jumping into a volcano. It's our generations' Vietnam. Although way more soldiers died in Vietnam, it's become in vogue to hate Bush and the war in Iraq. If you hate it, you almost always get a high-five from a passerby or a honk from fellow motorists. That's the nature of this particular place in the US and by place I mean the San Francisco Bay Area. But agree with any of Bush's policies and be prepared to be questioned harshly or shunned. Anyway, popular propaganda has clouded her vision that Iraq is a death pit where American soldiers are piling up. Don't get me wrong, we should really get out of there. People are dying senselessly there everyday. I'm sure the death toll in Bay Area's freeways frequently exceed those in Iraq on a daily basis. Should we stop driving to work? It's more dangerous than going to Iraq. Absurd.
Motivation
Hoang said to me, "I started looking for a job already."
My jaw dropped. She was supposed to start looking on Labor Day. I even criticized her for it. Why Labor Day? So specific. Why not, in 2 months or sometime in July. I mean, if you don't have a job now and haven't had one for awhile, what's the point in waiting. More importantly, what's so special about that day.
None of those questions really mattered now as my heart skipped a beat. What the heck am I doing? So I told her the only thing that I thought could jump start my flat-lining career. I will show up on Sunday and ask you to critique my resume. Seriously, this is Hoang here. She still thinks I am a responsible person. Will I really show up to her place empty-handed?
The tactic worked and I have successfully drafted a starter resume. It's far from perfect but I am extremely proud of it because I do have some control over my runaway procrastination. Cheers!
People
I did some more pondering last night. I went to Ed's house to have dinner with some 30 people to discuss Tahoe. I looked away as much as I could but Lynn saw me. I was forced to share. So here goes:
I sat between two girls from my small group during the worship workshop. Everyone stood up and sang. I dribbled words on my notepad as I had been doing all weekend. I can't stand worship. It takes too long. Sandy in front of us was preaching worship as something outlandish and full of energy. She made a very emotional plea for "giving it all you've got." She really got everyone riled up and excited. I noticed Chelsea to my left trembling inexorably. On the floor in front of her was a small droplet of water. As I watched, I saw another drop come down. I looked up and didn't notice the ceiling leaking. Ewwww.... I thought. She's expressing so much in her singing that she's spitting out the words. Let me lean more to the right. Yikes! There's an even bigger puddle in front of Christie. What the heck is that? Why oh why must I sit between these two people? I decided it was time to get up and leave before anything hits me. Just then Christie turns around and smiles at me to stand up and join along. Her eyes were fiery red and watery. I looked more closely at Chelsea and saw her sniffle. Oh geez.... A rush of relief ran through me. Love is what I was seeing. I think, I might be missing out on something here. Flanked by emotions on two sides, perhaps God is telling me to stand up and embrace praise.
Uncomfortableness
I'm still not getting the hang of this after school life. I can't seem to find a regular schedule to blog anymore. Perhaps more dust will collect here. I don't want that to happen but there seems to be too much nothing going on.
Uncomfortableness is not a word but is the topic of my post. Just feeling very squeemish where ever I go. I keep seeing people and thinking what they are thinking about me. It comes from having low self-esteem. Everyone is always thinking about you. I hate this feeling. Ironically, I am most comfortable with the person who makes me the most uncomfortable. Doesn't really make sense does it? Basically, I don't feel self conscious with this person but I do feel out of place. Anyway, bring on more heat. I want to feel more pain. It's what I am good at.
On another note, giving out your email to people is not a good way for them to contact you. At least not to the people I've been meeting recently. It's funny, I confronted one person about it and she actually said to me, "I was waiting for you to email me." But she was the one that had information to send me... oh wait... sorry. I forgot. If you want something you have to email and ask for it. Although that doesn't help with my sister. I talked to her about it. I emailed her about it, twice. She's the "busiest" person in the world and still has not gotten back to me yet. I need to remember this for next time. Casually, I have to make the effort, which is no big deal. I just keep forgetting. I'll set it in my mind from now on. It's like when someone asks you for your name. Always ask for that person's info back.
